The end of a good relationship, false hope and hope

The best relationship I’ve had so far ended a couple weeks back. It is still painful, truth be told I don’t want it to end but I’m working on accepting the awful truth. The breakup came as quite a shock to me, it was due to her complicated life circumstances, there is nothing I can do to change or fix and since it is out of my hands that makes it a very bitter pill to swallow.

But before you think this post will continue in the same vein what I actually want to do is record those wonderful memories we forged so that one day , when I am reset, I can look back fondly on what was a wonderful time and cherish those beautiful moments we had together while looking forward to a bright future.

My first memory has to be sitting out on Brandon hill as it got dark stargazing sipping de-caff coffee from a flask trying to identify lights on the horizon in neighbouring Somerset.

There was the time we went out at midnight to a field in ashton court, next to a gypsy camp which was a little unsettling, where we lay down on a ground matt talking in hushed tones watching shooting stars, I clocked 8 that night.

We went to the wardrobe theatre at the white bear to watch a comedian from the BBC, went to the opening comedy night at the cuban where we got a free ice bucket of becks beers which we were dubious about ‘what does free mean?’ she said suspiciously to the bar man offering us this beer bounty.

I wanted to make sure we did things as often as possible, I wanted her to have as many nice memories as I could give her , wanted her to he happy…..she said she was, even during the breakup.

She was (still is!) beautiful , works in graphic design, we would talk shop, argue over current web standards 🙂 She was creative, intelligent , kind, listing all these positives doesn’t really help me right now.

There was the time we went on a boat trip to the quaint beesus tea rooms to have a mammoth Sunday roast a lovely thing to do after I had returned from Budpapest a week beforehand.

There was that Sunday we strolled down to Leigh wood to find the stranded boat exhibition, we would visit local museums and boarded the iconic st matthew for a nosey. We cooked together, snuggled up to gogglebox, had breakfast in bed, coffee shops on a Sunday morning, many restaurant visits including the Ox when we got all dressed up, our first proper date was spent at a Spanish tapas, we went to salsa and later practised the moves down by the harbourside under the stars, a passer-by finding the spectacle heart warming. We tried paddle boarding on the first night of the Bristol balloon fiesta and made it down to Ashton court that night to watch the awesome fireworks display my arms wrapped around her for warmth.

Our relationship was only around 6 months long but we still managed to cram in a week away to Portugal to meet some of my family, seeing the beautiful Sintra, chapel relics and an amazing light show projected onto a vast building down at commercial square after chilling by the river tagus. There was talk of future holidays but I am never sure if she was being sincere , when had she started to think things were getting complicated? I find it best not to dwell.

We didn’t live in the same area but I would look forward to seeing her at weekends (she hailed from Gloucester and had a wonderful local accent – once I had adjusted), rushing down to the coach station to meet her or waiting patiently for her to drive down (or across? or up? fuck knows!) , at those times when I saw her and locked my arms round her I felt life was just so perfect.

So now its over and I am fighting the good fight, friends have been good, family have been amazing. It doesn’t entirely help that everyone liked her, but I’d rather that than people slating her. It has been a relatively busy and testing time these last few weeks , having a work assignment at a highly disorganised and stressful agency, the breakup then a best friends wedding followed by my brothers wedding, watching an uncle get wheeled off in an ambulance during the celebratory meal. He is I am very pleased to say absolutely fine, typical ex-army won’t complain and puts a brave face on everything. Seeing him have a funny turn , the colour washed from his face, passing out, it was extremely concerning at the time.

Add to this my flat mate moving out a week ago making the flat that little bit quieter I would say August 2015 hasn’t been a particularly great month. First world issues still though!

A friend recently said the short relationships can be harder to get over due to their potential, I can only agree right now.

Time heals and my reluctance to accept what’s happened is my strong desire to get her back , but I cannot hold out hope because quite frankly that would destroy me and keep me trapped in a pathetic limbo. It would be the uncertainty, the frustration. If I could right now I would take a pill to make me forgot everything and move on quicker, but pain is probably a good thing? I have heard you have withdrawal symptoms when you split up with someone, it is actual physical pain. Suck it up mister!!

Whether it is true or not I just need to remember time heals and when it has I will look back fondly on our time together without feeling bad and just be thankful.

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