nine weeks x 2 - peering back

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I am on a step , sitting by myself. My legs swing casually as I look downward at where I was , am quite happy to be higher than I was. I am not very high up and I want to get higher.

My concentration has improved , I am training up to 4 times a week , my allotment is showing some greenery and generally my grown-up life with a mortgage and a baby is nice, stable.

You know I’ve actually forgotten what being drunk feels like.

I have set the foundations to really take off and become more than just an average version of myself. I want to get the powerful frame and acrobatic agility from Capoeira , the technical skill to perform the complex mechanics of kung-fu, the knowledge and practical know-how to put tasty vegetables on my plate grown and cooked by my own hand and the mental stamina to recall vast amounts of information to make for the interesting conversationalist and winning choice in a job interview.

Time though is a bit of a git.

Problem is so many things in life want to take your time away from you. Writing this blog post takes up time I could use for several other things. Although I do enjoy writing so this is pure leisure time for me.

Work is a total greedy bastard and has to be kept at bay, in recent meetings my manager has dropped the ‘weekend cover’ bomb , which is making my blood boil somewhat. That cheeky bastard thinks he can just play around with my time like I am some kind of chess piece at his disposal. I won’t be taking any threats to my weekends lightly.

Sadly though work does pay the bills and keeps me housed in my lovely flat with my lovely surrogate family. My god daughter is creeping up to 5 months and I could quite happily sit here and reel off countless cliches about life with her but I won’t , I’ll just say this – her smile, where her face lights up and she curls up her little body while clutching her feet, makes those crap days feel worthwhile.

Having had the chance to fail so often my story has plenty of chapters I prefer to skim past. Times when I almost couldn’t cope , or frankly am ashamed of my behaviour. Such as:

  • Living in the center of a major city but travelling over an hour a day to work with one of the biggest pricks I’ve met for the pricely sum of 13k. He would sit there verbally abusing me knowing he could fire me if I retaliated. But am glad I put up with him as I got the experience I was seeking. The only information I later found about this guy online was a web designer warning anyone about dealing with him. 6 fucking months of working hell!

  • Spending over a year unemployed, not finding any jobs , not making any money, not doing anything useful or productive just spending all my time indoors, even answering the phone became stressful and my mental health took a swan dive for a fair while as I felt I had no purpose in society, like everytime I left the flat I was being judged.

Two examples of when life was not fun , my own doing in both cases but times when I was struggling to see the end or a positive future.

My current life is really good by comparison, certainly one use for all those negative memories. Every day we live in the past we lose in the present , but I like to occasionally peer into my past, makes me more thankful.


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